Do you feel like your marriage could do with a little improvement, but not sure how to go about it (since nagging doesn’t seem to work anymore)? Here’s why being open to changing yourself is the first step to changing the relationship dynamics with your loved one.

By: Ng Lin-Li

Change what you can control
In an ideal world, our spouse would do exactly what we wanted, when we wanted (after all, they are the ones with the problem!). However, in reality, the only thing within our control is our own actions, attitudes and character. Rather than trying to intimidate or manipulate your spouse into change, look at how your own behavior can be improved.  By turning the focus away from the flaws of your spouse, to areas that you need to work on, you can positively impact your marriage. Surprise your spouse and ask what he thinks you can work on (but try not to get defensive).

Stop thinking “nothing will ever change around here”. Something can change immediately – you. You have close to a majority share in the marriage and anything you do will change the dynamics of the relationship.

Break old patterns of behaviour

May* used to quarrel with her husband often, and the arguments started whenever he raised his voice. She would then get angry and raise hers, and the argument would escalate. If only he would change, she kept wishing, until one day she decided to take control of her own response and improve her temperament and patience regardless of what her spouse chose to do. Now, instead of perpetuating the pattern of arguing, she would hold her tongue, cool off, then come back and tell her husband calmly and kindly that what he said was unnecessarily harsh. Their arguments got less frequent and less intense.  When May’s husband saw how his wife was more mature and had more self-control, he too felt inclined to work on himself.

Putting off change and personal growth simply allows old habits and patterns of negative interactions to be repeated. When someone in the relationship does something differently, then will there be a different outcome.

Health begets health

By becoming an emotionally healthy individual who is open to self-improvement, your spouse can be encouraged to do likewise. Pursue a healthy inner self for your own good, and not with the expectation that your spouse will do the same. Learning to be vulnerable by sharing your desire to change can make it easier for your partner to be vulnerable and open as well, thus building trust. It may be the case that he just never knew how to approach inner change, or never had the opportunity (amidst the tiffs) to be open with his struggles.  Your efforts to become a well-balanced person, and consequent confidence and joy from doing so, will not go unnoticed and be attractive to your spouse- so much so that he might even consider it for himself. Influencing your spouse works better than trying to control him. Commit to growth and bring health to yourself and your marriage.

It’s hard enough being a nice person in real life. Social conventions are constantly evolving, making clear and courteous communication a challenge. Take your conversation online however, and the level of difficulty goes up a notch because of differences in real time, physical proximity and lack of visual aids. Nanzinc.Com gives you a basic guide to netiquette and how to prevent misunderstandings with online communication.

By: Dorothea Chow

As author Virginia Shea puts it in her book “Netiquette”, we may forget that even though all online communication is electronic, the end-point receiver of our communication is still a human, just like you and me. ‘Remember the Human’, she says. In the end, we are all real people with real feelings.

Online communication (video conferences like Skype aside) takes away a lot of the usual elements of a face-to-face talk, such as verbal cues, emotions and gestures. So words can sometimes be misinterpreted, intentions misunderstood, and feelings hurt in the process. So be mindful of this in what you type and how you phrase things, and you’ll be a better online communicator for it.

Common Abbreviations vs. Professional Jargon

We’re so attuned to our phones and PDAs these days, that common abbreviations like BTW (by the way), STH (something), LOL (laugh out loud) and TTYL (talk to you later) have become a mainstay in our communication lingo and often creep into our emails.

However it’s good to remember who you are communicating to, because these abbreviations are simply not appropriate for certain contexts and recipients, for example if you’re sending an email to your boss or potential client. Be mindful of who the recipient is, and show respect in your choice of jargon accordingly.

Objective vs. Emotional Language

“Flaming” is when a person expresses a strong opinion very directly and with great emotion. While self-expression is easier to do online, too much ‘flaming’ is not good for any relationship, and can result in ‘flame wars’. As human beings, we tend to react to how we are communicated to, even in electronic situations.

When you’re enraged or in a foul mood, or reacting to an unfair statement, it’s probably a good practice to hold off a while on sending out that email. You might find yourself TYPING AN ANGSTY EMAIL IN CAPS, which might amplify the whole situation.

Take time to carefully craft your message so as to be a bit more objective before you hit the “Send” button. You’ll run less risk of intensifying a conflict or creating one. In fact, if you’re unhappy with someone or the way something has been done, often the best way to communicate is still face-to-face. Seek to clarify, not tear down.

Transparency vs. Anonymity

There is wisdom is not airing your dirty laundry in public, as your mama must have told you once. Having your life as an open book online by revealing deep dark secrets, contact information and all, is probably not a good idea for obvious reasons.

But neither is creating a false identity because of the guise of anonymity readily available online. Whether it’s on Facebook, MSN, or on various forums, it’s definitely bad netiquette, and even dangerous, to pretend to be someone you’re not, by posting misleading information or pictures of yourself. How would you like it if someone else did that to you?

And there’s only so long you can live a lie anyway – the truth is bound to come to light, sooner or later.

Accredit Your Source

It’s so easy to copy and paste pictures and text we find online into our personal emails, blogs and websites, but a good Netizen always gives recognition when it’s due.  Credit your sources at all times, and never try to pass off someone else’s work or ideas as your own.

This is especially tricky when it comes to professional design and artwork, because it’s often subjective to determine what is an appropriate interpretation of a piece. To be on the safe side, always cite your source of inspiration, if still in doubt, ask the original author or artist for permission to post their piece and/or your version.

Having a successful relationship and marriage is not easy—it takes hard work from both sides of the bed! Jazz up your relationship by romancing your man, so that he can feel the lurve. Nanzinc.Com shares how your man likes to be loved.

By: Audra Lim

You heard us right. The men really don’t get it much. Yes, men need to be romanced too. These neglected other halves are often reminded, prodded and taught that women need to feel loved and be pampered. Yet that same romancing is seldom reciprocated. After all, men are macho tough cookies, right?

Not quite. Just as the tables are turning in what were previously female-dominated arenas, such as cosmetics, skincare and massages, so too are men needing some TLC. Here’s the catch though: their preferred form of romancing comes in a somewhat different form from women’s. While the following tips may seem risky, trust us, they work with the men in our lives.

1. Give him space.
The proverbial caveman analogy still holds true. Men need their space. That sacred space is where they retreat, chill, analyse, recharge and gather their resources to face the world again. Foolish is the woman who does not realize the vital importance of this space, and intrudes upon, or worse still, belittles it. This space could take the form of fishing (or keeping an aquarium), washing his car, reading his fantasy novels or playing with his new iPad or World of Warcraft (to a reasonable extent).

2. Praise him without reserve.
Be willing to sincerely praise him, particularly in public and especially in front of his family and friends. Remember the adage – praise in public, criticize in private. Find specific moments when he has played the roles of provider, problem-solver or protector and highlight your appreciation. It affirms his manhood, and also reminds you of why you married him.

3. Nag no more.
People dislike being nagged at. Men abhor it. To them it’s like taking a nap on a bed of nails. Give your man the benefit of the doubt that he will fulfill his promise when he says he would. If you doubt him and reveal that doubt by nagging, it might result in him subconsciously (or purposely) reneging on his word. So trust, and let go.

On the other hand, if he is a chronic liar or promise-breaker, that’s a different story (for another day!).

4. Serve him.
Serving a man does not mean being subservient. Rather, it simply means showing consideration for them by offering to help them do things because they are tired or stressed. Do the laundry if he hates it, so he can handle his preferred household tasks instead. Surprise him with a home-cooked meal or a back massage. You might be surprised by his eagerness to reciprocate service when he feels loved.

5. Be a woman.
If you want to be loved as a woman, then you should treat your man as a man, and allow him to love you in the ways that come naturally to him. It is okay to show your weakness in front of him even if you are the mighty CEO of your company during office hours. It is okay to admit that you’re afraid of the dark. Leave the feminist bra-burning you at the door when you come home. Show your feminine side. Embrace your femininity, so he can be the man.

Have other tips on how you make your husband feel like your hero? Share with us! Leave a comment!

Kids love the June holiday break but it can often be a headache-inducing affair for parents with young children. The most common solutions are summer camps, the latest computer game, or enrichment workshops – anything to keep your little ones gainfully occupied. But you don’t have to outsource all your entertainment: Nanzinc.Com has some suggestions for fun family projects that can keep your kids happy, keep their minds active in a healthy way, and draw your family closer together. As we like to say, the family that plays together stays together!

By: Dorothea Chow

Go green!
What better way for children to learn about how plants grow than to cultivate their very own garden? First, you’ll need to decide what to plant, and do the relevant research on how much light, water, type of soil they need.

Purchase the materials required and set up your very own family garden together. Plan out a family roster for tending the garden and tracking the plants’ growth. This encourages each member to be responsible for his or her task.

Get the kids to do research on their plants – what helps them grow, what kind of growth cycle they have, what the plant parts can be used for etc. Celebrate every successful plant milestone and harvest, and encourage each other when one plant doesn’t quite make it…

Last but not least, bring your home-grown produce into the kitchen and onto the dining table! It’ll definitely make each home-cooked meal that much more satisfying! (And your children might be more eager to eat tomatoes!)

Check out: http://www.nparks.gov.sg/cms/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=78&Itemid=66#7

Get scrapping!
Get everyone involved in creating a book of memories for the year. Choose photos from key events over the past year – birthday celebrations, anniversaries, special outings, family holidays etc.

As a family, pick out your favourite papers, embellishments and an album to get your started. Root around your own home for items that can add a personal touch to your pages, such as a favourite Christmas card, or an old hair clip.

You can either work on your album page by page, as a family, or give everyone a specific page to work on. Either way, be prepared for mistakes, crooked photos and spilt glue, but lots of fun, plenty of memorable moments, and, at the end, definitely a unique masterpiece to treasure!

For inspiration, check out this website.

Join in the Great Singapore Sale
One man’s treasure is another man’s trash. The holidays are a great time to declutter your home, with all hands on deck! But it’s the rare kid, and even adult, who likes to do “spring cleaning”.

So make something special out of housework by giving your family a fun incentive. Join in the Great Singapore Sale with a family-sized garage sale!

Get the whole family to put their heads together and design some flyers to advertise your sale, make unique price tags for all your treasures, and then spread the word! (Tip: Get a few supportive friends to come, so that the kids won’t be discouraged if very few shoppers turn up!) Take turns to be the “cashier” (you can “assist” your very young kids), so everyone gets a chance to handle the family money and practice their sums.

If you find yourself with nothing to sell (quite unlikely), or just want to do something more, you could have a bake sale instead. Cookies, cakes and jams will always be welcome in the neighbourhood, and the messy kitchen will definitely be worth the smiles on your kids’ faces when they taste their culinary masterpieces!

For more ideas, check this out.

Give to Others
Get out of the home and into the community. Lend a helping hand and a listening ear to the many in our society who need it, and allow your family to experience the joy of giving together.

Our suggestion: sign up as a family to volunteer in one or a few projects over the holidays. Whether you’re a kid of an adult, there’s nothing so humbling as realizing how blessed and thankful we should be for all that we have.

If this is the first time you are trying something like this, do keep in mind the level of exposure of your whole family, and be realistic in your choice of where to go. For example, don’t tow your family off to mentally-ill patients on their very first visit. Start off with something simple like reading to or playing with children in hospital.

Be sure to give your family members the time and space to share how they feel about their volunteering experience, and be ready to tackle some hard questions…

Get inspired further here.

Have more meaningful activities for the whole gang? Leave a comment!

Think back to a time in your childhood when your family had a holiday together. What do you remember the most? You might not remember seeing the Great Wall or visiting the Louvre museum, but it’s likely you remember laughing together with your siblings in the car or splashing in the waves with your parents. Whether your next family vacation is oceans away or across the Causeway, how can you make it special for your loved ones?

By Sharlene Tan

“Travel is the greatest learning tool we have — teaching kids independence and growth. Parents can really get together with their kids and create new levels of communication and learning. It’s a great way to get to know each other,” Keith Bellows, editor-in-chief of National Geographic Traveler and Melina Bellows, editor-in-chief of National Geographic Kids, told MSNBC. A family vacation is about being together, as a family. And that is something that is too easily forgotten in the midst of making reservations and packing – and repacking. Make your next family vacation an unforgettable one, with the help of these tips from Nanzinc.Com.

Get Everyone Involved
Involve your family in the planning process. Give each member of your family a task related to the planning of the trip. Pick up some brochures from your travel agent or request them online. Show your children these brochures or have them look at the destination websites to pique their interest and have them pick some of the attractions to visit – they’ll be excited when they get to see the actual sites they’ve selected. If there is a movie or a book associated with your destination, watch or read it with your children before you go (check out The Worldwide Guide to Movie Locations at or BiblioTravel. Have your husband check out the best hotel deals or, if he is a foodie, look up some great restaurants and cafes. And if you’re travelling with grandparents, don’t forget about their interests.

Be Flexible
Make your reservations ahead of time, but don’t schedule your itinerary too tightly. Give your family ample time to finish the activities of the day and enjoy the food and the sights. Don’t rush them to cover all the attractions. A memorable family vacation is not about seeing everything a destination can offer. It’s about spending time together.

Nothing’s Picture Perfect
Leave the pictures of the gorgeous scenery to the experts (or buy a postcard). Your photos should tell the story of your family’s vacation. But if your children don’t want to sit up and smile at the camera, don’t make them – it adds stress to what should be a fun time and will never be a good photo. Take some candid photos instead, or, if your children are old enough, have them take some of the photos, and award a prize for the best photo of the trip.

Don’t Forget the Photos
With digital cameras, there is the tendency to load the photos online and forget about them a few weeks later. Instead, look over the photos with your family, and pick out some of them to print out. As a family, put together a collage or scrapbook of your travels – use the photos, souvenirs and other bits and pieces that your children might have collected, such as ticket stubs, shells and flowers.

Have a tip on how to make holidays meaningful for you and your kids? Share with us! Leave a comment.

When her eldest son was just two months old, Koh Ah Yan’s instincts told her something was seriously wrong with him. What then followed was a tumultuous journey of numerous visits to doctors to seek medical solutions for epilepsy, and a diagnosis of a rare brain tumour. This mother of three shares with Nanzinc.Com about her journey and how she has remained strong despite the hurdles she faced.

By Lianne Ong

When Koh Ah Yan’s firstborn son, Isaac, was two months old, she had a suspicion that all was not right when her son would not sleep after 12 hours, and exhibited unexplained twitching. She brought him to several doctors, who were unable to diagnose the condition, and in fact, could not understand what she was trying to explain because the symptoms she described would come and go. Finally, a paediatrician referred her to a neurosurgeon.

What then followed was a journey that no mother could ever imagine: an MRI scan revealed that Isaac had a 4.5cm wide cyst in his brain that was thought to be the cause of his seizures. At 5 months, her son underwent surgery to remove the cyst.

However, the removal of the cyst did not reap the desired results – Isaac continued to experience seizures and the cyst grew back within six months. Because of the non-success of the first operation and its related risks, she and her husband decided against a second operation. What they did not know then was that the seizures were caused by Hypothalamic Hamartoma, a benign tumour that produces epileptic seizures, among other symptoms.

“For 11 years of Isaac’s childhood, we lived in darkness,” Yan shares, as she explained the kind of symptoms the family had to deal with on a daily basis. Isaac would experience seizures on a daily basis, sometimes as many as 12 in a day. Some of them were gelastic (laughing) seizures, while others were tonic seizures. Often, Yan had to administer medication in order to stop the seizure while they were out in public. She says without any bitterness in her voice that hardly anyone ever came to her assistance, but she understands it is because “they don’t understand what seizures are”.

Isaac also was “full of rage”, and it was very difficult to understand him, or to discern whether it was appropriate to discipline him. To add to the loneliness and frustration, Yan and her husband were not part of any support group for families dealing with epilepsy.

Despite this period, Yan, who was a stay-at-home mom for 10 years since Isaac’s birth, went about doing “normal” things for her three children, such as taking them for swimming lessons (even Isaac).

“I’m really happy that I was able to be a stay-home mom for 10 years. I enjoyed my children thoroughly; those years were so carefree,” she recalls. She would tote all three of them wherever she went, even to Isaac’s medical checkups and tests using public transport, without the assistance of a domestic helper.

“Some people ask me why I had a second and third child, when my first child was so ‘troublesome’. Honestly, I did not know then the severity of Isaac’s condition then, so we felt at peace about having more children. But I believe that God gives you the strength when you need it the most,” Yan says, naming her Christian faith as the main thing that kept her strong.

Finally in 2001, she and her husband stumbled upon an international support group called Hypothalamic Hamartoma Uncontrollable Gelastic Epilepsy (HHUGS). Things took a turn when a total stranger, a British parent who had heard of Isaac’s plight, contacted Yan out of the blue, and told her about his son’s successful surgery for HH by a renowned doctor in Australia, Prof Jeffrey Rosenfeld.

Though an application to send Isaac to Australia for this operation was rejected, through the help of the head of paediatric neurosurgery at KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital, Prof Rosenfeld came to Singapore and Isaac had a life-changing operation on 13 September 2002, to remove the tumour.

The operation was successful. Although Isaac has been seizure-free since then, there are still many issues the family have to deal with for the long haul, such as diabetes insipidus, cognitive disabilities and compulsive behaviour. But the change has been significant. “I’m less tense now knowing that seizures are a thing of the past. Isaac is a much calmer and happier person,” she shares.

Yan, who is 49, now works part-time as a nurse at a private clinic. Isaac is 20 and volunteers at the Salvation Army while his siblings, Sarah, 17, and Daniel, 15 are still in school. “Sarah probably experienced the neglect of a ‘middle child’, as she had to assist with Isaac and her younger brother, Daniel,” she says with some regret.

Today, Yan finds meaning in increasing the awareness of epilepsy. She has been a guest on radio talkshows, and written a few articles to share her story. She lends support to other caregivers of epileptic patients through the Epilepsy Care Group (ECG). Her desires for her children are no different from other mothers: that they grow up to be contributing members of society, and that they know right from wrong.

But most of all, she wants to continue learning to love her children unconditionally and to accept them for who they are.

Has Ah Yan’s story touched you? Do you know of someone else who has gone the distance for her children? Share with us by leaving a comment here!

Want to find out if you’re someone that others can rely on when it comes down to the crunch? Take our Flaky quiz to see whether you do (or don’t) measure up!

It is not easy being a Supermom. You juggle the many roles of Superwoman, ultimate mommy, wife, housekeeper, entertainer, referee, banker et al, attempt to carve out time for yourself while trying to remain sane in the midst of daily mayhem. Some days, the pressure gets so great you cry at the slightest thing, and feel like packing your bags and leaving it all behind. If any of this is happening to you, you are officially having a Mommy Meltdown. Nanzinc.Com shows you some ways to destress so you can bounce back to being a Supermom again!

By: Audra Lim

For the umpteenth time now, the baby is crying from her teething pains and you have had a grand total of 76 minutes of uninterrupted sleep from the last crying bout. Your fuse is short, you find yourself sleep-walking, and you wonder once again why you wanted to become a mother.

“My son was two months old when he had his first vaccination. The husband and I had to take turns putting him back to bed when he woke every hour. It got so bad I told my husband ‘I want to throw him out of the window; you better take him before I do.’ We were both at the end of our patience,” said Celine Low, 33, mom of a 20-month-old.

Another mom started ‘blasting away like Mrs Rambo with all guns a-blazing’ when her 3-year-old toddler refused to put his arms into the safety harness of his car seat.

Said Grace Wan, 35, “I asked, I cajoled, I negotiated, I bribed. My toddler refused and the No’s came out. I lost it. The more I yelled, the more he refused to put his arms through. By now, his tears were rivers down his plump cheeks and every time I hollered something, he would scream and thrash around in his seat as if I was physically hurting him.”

Mom and toddler ended up glaring at each other, before the moment of connection and forgiveness came, with sniffles and a great big hug.
So what should a Supermom do to remain cool as a cucumber and avoid a meltdown?

1. Plan ahead.
Bring your baby for his jabs, doctor visits (if possible) and other out-of-the-ordinary appointments on a Friday or Saturday, so that you and baby have time to recover over the weekend.

2. Rest and take care of your health.
You know how your mom, the nurses, midwife and all other moms tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps? They mean it. If you are a stay-home mom, when the baby naps, drop everything and nap too. Sleep deprivation turns anyone into a monster. If you have a full-time job, take power naps when you can.

Drink enough water to hydrate and beat the tiredness, and definitely aim for nutritious and balanced meals. Have pockets of timeout for yourself to just chill and do what you want – even 20 minutes spent reading a novel would do wonders in restoring your equilibrium.

3. Connect with your baby.
Spend time enjoying each other’s company. Laugh, tickle, play and bond with your baby to chalk up points in the goodwill bank, so that when the going gets really tough, hopefully the memories and love you feel for your baby would keep you from blowing up.

Do you find your friend count has drastically dropped since you graduated/got married/got divorced/grew older? Are friends necessary? We say yes! Here’s why you should make more of them.

By: Melanie Lee

Each of us finds our comfort zones and sense of identity through good ol’ friends who have been with us through thick and thin. While it’s important to treasure these dear childhood buddies, it’s just as important to get to know new people and let them into your life – it’s all part and parcel of growth and new discoveries in life. You should never think that you’re too old or busy or “fixed in your ways” to reach out to other people. Here are some pointers to help you forge meaningful new friendships.

Go With The “Good Feeling”
Sometimes, we meet people that we somehow just click with instantly. Often, we don’t follow through with these encounters because it may seem weird or shallow. However, if you never try, you might miss out the chance of discovering a lifelong friend.

Enjoy the humorous small talk with your neighbours at the common corridor? Go beyond that and ask them over for dinner at your place. Love the philosophical conversations with your hairdresser? Ask her out for a coffee during one of her off days. These could all be the beginnings of beautiful friendships.

Find Like-Minded People
Having something in common always makes it that much easier to connect with other people. Join a hobby club or get involved in volunteer work to find people with similar passions. This is especially important for those of you who feel that you may have nothing much in common with your current set of friends.

Tired of attending one baby shower after another as a single who cannot even fathom the concept of parenthood? Why not join a salsa dance class or a book club to expand your social circle? Such activities are not only fun, they also give you this empowering sense of reassurance that you are not the only “nerd” who eats books for breakfast.

Be Interested in Other Peoples’ Lives
Making new friends can sometimes be a rather nerve wracking affair and there is a tendency to rattle on endlessly about yourself in a bid to “win over” this new friend. However, the key to getting to know other people better is to show an active interest in their lives. Listen attentively to the things they say and pose follow-up questions to show that you are fascinated with them and that you want to get to know them better. This practice of hearing people out could also be a wonderfully enriching experience as you learn more about how other people may lead such different or interesting lives.

Know Your Boundaries
The thing with making new friends later on in life is that people tend to be more guarded and suspicious as they get older. Be careful of not giving the impression that you are pesky or needy with 3am confessional calls or demanding to meet for lunch everyday. At the same time, if you find that your new friend is getting too intense and you start feeling drained out by their company, try to keep your distance or go “slower” with the progress of your friendship. The transition to becoming friends should be a comfortable, heart-warming experience that is to be savoured!

Some friends just aren’t worth keeping. They make you feel bad about yourself and consistently leave you with negative vibes, even as they call you a good friend. Nanz Inc shows you how to set some boundaries with such friends and live life happier.
By: Ng Linli

Who are your Toxic Friends? It’s time to identify the pseudo-vampires who leave you feeling drained and discouraged. Here are some characteristics that toxic friends may display:

The Gossiper can’t keep secrets and talks (mostly negatively) about everyone she knows. It’s hard to trust her, and it’s hard to trust what she says.

The Narcissist meets up with you, only to launch into a monologue about their latest achievements and thoughts. They are not concerned with how you are doing.

The Envious Friend lacks genuine enthusiasm when things are going well for you. They seem to be overly interested in what you earn and spend, and who your other friends are.

The Fair-weather Friend calls you when she hits bad times or when she needs something (or hear that you are organising a cool event). But she is nowhere to be found when she has a new boyfriend or when things are going smoothly. Some of them like to say “let’s meet up” but never initiate anything. They show up if they feel like it (no explanations if they don’t), and you can’t quite count on them to be there for you.

The Harsh Critic belittles your opinions, lifestyle and choices. They shake their head at you and make you feel guilty for who you are. Everything is your fault and when you do well, they say nothing.

Who are your True Friends? Looking at what truly good friendships are about will help us further understand toxic ones. On the other end of the friend-spectrum, pals who are gems are those whom you can relate to sincerely, want the best for you, and respect your opinions as much as their own. They are deeply committed to the friendship and help you to become more authentic and real (rather than have to put up a front). They do not put you down in public or private, but will confront you lovingly if needed. Most of all, they are friends who love you and encourage you, rather than step on you to make themselves feel superior.

How To Weed Out The Toxic
Some toxic friends are truly ignorant of how insensitive they are. If that is the case, communicate with them lovingly —for the sake of preserving the friendship — how you are affected by their actions and how it hurts you. If the person apologises and tries to change, then your friendship has matured and become deeper. But if he or she becomes defensive and angry, at least you know you have done your part to salvage the friendship.

As women, we might find it easier to stay friends than to cut ties for fear of confrontation or hurting someone’s feelings. While this seems like a kind and nurturing thing to do, it doesn’t make sense if you are making yourself miserable and missing out on great friendships in order to support these negative ones. If severing ties seems too extreme and unnecessarily harsh, limit the time you spend with these friends and invest time in finding and keeping real friendships.

Seek and keep friendships that are healthy and mutual, rather than toxic and stifling, and you will find life much richer and happier.

Toxic Tales
“He called me his best friend, but I doubt he had my best interests at heart. He called me every time he needed help, and I felt made use of. The last straw was when my ex-boyfriend cheated on me, and this friend hung out with him and the girl, but never told me about it. I just stopped going to parties with him and simply said no whenever he asked me to do him a favour.”
Candy*, 29

“My friend made me feel bad about myself all the time, criticizing me and preventing me from growing as a person. Ironically, she was very dependent on me as she was lonely and called me all the time. We are no longer friends.”
Su-Ying*, 30

“I always feel exhausted after talking to her, even though I don’t need to say much. She does all the talking and when I try to say something she dismisses it and repeats her opinion. It’s easier just to nod and agree.”
Michelle*, 29

“I have a friend who used to be toxic. She would simply bad-mouth everybody and anybody. It was tiring to be around her, and after I spent just an hour with her I would feel like I needed to watch a comedy just to cheer myself up. One day, I finally had it, and told her off, and said that she was costing me my joy. To my surprise, she agreed, and asked me to help her. It’s been about six months now, but she has really made a great improvement. We have a code. If we are together, and she starts to talk bad about someone, I would snap a rubberband around her wrist. She stops right away.”
Chris, teacher, 35
* Real names have been disguised for privacy