Should You Be Friends with Your Ex?

Thinking of having dinner with your ex? Or is being a virtual “friend” more than enough? Or is it best to have nothing to do with him? Take stock of your own feelings and those of your present partner before making plans to keep in touch with the past.

By: Ng Lin-Li

 
There are differing schools of thought when it comes to keeping in touch with your past loves of your life. After all, not all ex-relationships are horror stories. Some come to an end in a mature fashion with little fighting or sobbing, for example, the scenario where there is as an amicable and mutual decision to move on in different directions. With emotions and interest on a low level, it may be easier to stay friends.

“It depends on how the break-up went,” says Anna Tan, 35. “If the break-up happened because of a third party or money dispute, then probably it’s not a good idea to try to stay friends. But if you broke up on friendly terms, then I think it is fine because some people do make good friends, even if they may not be good partners.”

Some relationships however, do not end with agreement from both sides, and one party may continue to have unresolved sentiments towards the other. Perhaps some women can relate to the fictional Carrie Bradshaw (of Sex And The City fame) as she commiserates, “New York is definitely haunted. Old lovers, ex-boyfriends, anyone you have unresolved issues with you are bound to run into again and again until you resolve them.”

For Janice Chew, the “Ex Zone” is absolutely a no-no. “This is not how you build a better marriage. When you say at the altar ‘To have and to hold, forsaking all others’, that means your exes too. Your ex-boyfriends have been part of you at some point, and it’s just foolishness to put yourself back into a position where either of you might be tempted.”

Joyce Ling, a counsellor at a local university, suggests examining your own feelings before deciding on friendship with an ex. “If the level of emotional attachment is still high, it is best not to stay in contact, as what the ex does subsequently is likely to have an impact on your moods and thus make you less likely to be able to move on with life.”

It is also important to consider how being friends with your ex affects your current partner. Jealousy aside, it may be awkward for your current boyfriend or your husband to know that you still have conversations with your ex regularly, a person whom you may have shared more years and experiences with. Ling explains, “Your current partner may not feel comfortable with the continued presence of the ex. Persisting in maintaining contact might only cause pain to the current relationship.”

What’s Your Verdict?

“I think its ok to keep in contact with exes, and even to meet up, as long as your husband is aware. Especially so if an ex is happily attached or married.” Delphine Tan, 29

“I wouldn’t meet up with my ex because I love my husband and I know he wouldn’t want me to do so. Similarly, he won’t meet up with his ex because he loves me too. I guess that would be how we build mutual trust and respect in our marriage.” Sharon Yeoh, 29

“It’s best not to be friends with your ex in cases where the relationship was an intimate and close one. There are more emotions involved that may be hard to control when you see him.” Chris Lim, 34

Would you or wouldn’t you? Share your view with a comment below or join the discussion at our Forum.

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