Good Grief: Heal The Pain

It may seem like a caricature: the Asian woman who wails and cries at funerals. But grieving is the mind’s way of moving on with life, and there is an ideal, healthy way of doing it, says Michelle Bong.

We have all had to go through the pain of losing a loved one, the breakdown of a marriage or other heart-breaking experiences. The sudden death of a loved one, in particular, can be one of life’s most traumatic experiences that many have problems overcoming.

“Shock, numbness, yearning, guilt or self-reproach, loneliness, helplessness or anger are some very common emotions experienced when a person is grieving. And it is important to note that these are normal,” Dr Patricia Yap, Senior Clinical Psychologist, Department of Psychology, Institute of Mental Health. She adds that physical sensations (hollowness in the stomach, shortness of breath, tightness in the chest or weakness in the muscles), cognitive characteristics (disbelief, confusion, seeing images of the person) and certain behaviors (crying, social withdrawal, restlessness or sleep and appetite irregularities) can be part and parcel of the grieving process.

At the same time, grief can manifest itself as absent grief, regular grief, delayed grief, or complicated grief; the first involves the denial of feelings about the loss and causes one to act as if nothing had happened while regular grief occurs when a person works to adapt and cope with a loss and moves on with life. Delayed grief displays normal symptoms which don’t intensity till some time later and complicated grief is an intense grief that lasts over time and leaves a person unable to function or require help from medical professionals.

Those who find themselves trying to overcome grief can turn to various models to help them through the process. The most popular of them is the one suggested by the late Swiss-born psychiatrist and author of the bestseller On Death and Dying, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who proposed that grief involves the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.

One way to tell if you’re grieving in a healthy manner is if you experience normal grief reactions such as shock, numbness and yearning. Experiencing these is an indicator that you are affected but not incapacitated by grief, beyond a period of about two months.

However, symptoms of unhealthy grieving include the severe slowing down of psychological functioning and/or movement, or hallucinatory experiences such as hearing voices others cannot. Some people also tend to develop a morbid (or unusually extreme) preoccupation with worthlessness.

And while everyone needs a different amount of time when it comes to grieving, Dr Yap stresses it is a matter of quality versus quantity.

“It is not so much the amount of time taken but the quality of grief that is important,” she explains. “Ten years after a loss, people may still be living in a way that honours the memory of the deceased. Some may be coping with intense feelings of missing and yearning for while others may continue to avoid reminders of grief.”

For comfort, don’t be afraid to turn to your family, relatives and friends. Beyond that, you can seek help within your own religious or spiritual community, or if it’s hard to talk to people you know, professional help is available in the form of psychologists, social workers, and counselors. The Samaritans of Singapore is also a good avenue for help — its 24-hour hotline is 1800-221-4444.

Have a story on overcoming grief that you want to share? Leave a comment!

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