Mummy Vs Daddy: Who Does More?

It is 3am in the morning and the baby is crying. Chances are, Mummy would be the one to have to wake up and coax baby back to sleep. Because Daddy has to work the next day. Do mothers always have to do more than fathers?

By: Audra Lim

The to-do list for the day is already spilling off the page: wash the baby’s clothes, make her porridge, reply to client’s email, change baby’s diapers, potty train her, write proposal, mop the floor, read to baby, put her to nap twice, soothe her when she cries, call up friend to postpone meet-up for the umpteenth time, try to find time to bathe. And the list goes on.

For many couples, Mum is often the one to juggle the day-to-day running of the household, including caring for the children. This is especially so if she is a Stay-At-Home-Mum (SAHM) or a Work-At-Home-Mom (WAHM). The concept of a social life is a distant memory, and having a night out — especially while still breastfeeding a baby — is such a logistical nightmare that it is the natural choice to just coop up at home.

“I do everything in the household. Sometimes, I don’t know what hubbies are for!” says one irate mum of two who doesn’t want to be named. Is it necessarily true that mums do more than dads for their children? Nanz Inc talks to some parents on the ground.

“I think that is the stereotype. However, I think the issue is what is this ‘doing’ that we’re talking about. If ‘doing’ has to do with keeping them clean, fed, watered, washed etc then I’d probably agree with that statement,” says Pamela Allen, 37, a lecturer and a mother of a 23-month-old. “But if ‘doing’ has to do with other activities (eg, swim, play groups, riding on the bike, looking at worms, etc) then I think dads do their fair share too.

Pamela adds: “Most women probably feel that they are the main caregiver, and they are brainwashed/peer-pressured into doing so. But there are men out there who are main caregivers, and society will just have to get used to this. However, women in general are expected to do more for their kids in this day and age. People will give reasons such as ‘you gave birth to them’, ‘you are more nurturing’, ‘you don’t work’, ‘you earn less than your husband’ to justify what women need to do more for their kids.”

Chua Yung Ching, 37, facilitator and cultural studies researcher thinks men can do much more, but may not be used to it.

“One of the problems in a traditional husband-wife relationship is that men do not know how to cook or clean, and they are not expected to learn,” she says. “Women, on the other hand, are expected to know these things. If you didn’t, you’re expected to learn how to when you get married. Some say it’s because the man is the main breadwinner, but I know of a family where the husband quit his job as a banker to stay home with the kids while the wife continued working as a teacher. So the higher pay issue is really just an excuse. If you are willing to live with less, it does seem that men can do the job just as well, but have they been socially conditioned to think that they can?”

“I think dads do more, if not the same amount as the moms,” says Lynette Tan, 33, an analyst and a mother of a 25-month-old. Lynette grew up seeing her own father more than her mother. “When I fell ill, Daddy stayed awake and was by my bedside. In my family now, my husband does all the running around, the sending and fetching, going for walks, swimming, cycling, the educational aspects etc. I do the cleaning, feeding, washing up. I guess for my child, Daddy does the seemingly more fun stuff more while Mummy is seen doing the ‘menial’ tasks.”

What do the fathers have to say about this whole debate? Nanz Inc asked Arthur Foo, 30, a researcher and father of two, aged 2 ½ and 7 months.

“I do the night shift of feeding and settling my boy back to bed most nights, as my wife has to express her milk for the younger baby,” he says. “Being able to cope with caring for my children gives me confidence as a parent, especially when my wife has her nights out with her friends and I am alone at home.

“I think fathers do as much as mothers these days.”