Protect Your Marriage Series: The China Woman Syndrome

EPISODE ONE: “That China woman”

It seems as if everyone knows someone whose marriage has been wrecked by the husband having an affair with a women from China. “It’s largely a sociological phenomenon due to globalization,” explains Chong Cheh Hoon, a certified counsellor from Focus on the Family. According to her, there are “generally two types of affairs Singaporean men tend to have with Chinese women. The first is the ‘businessmen’ affair, where there is a culture of having a ‘companion’ when Singaporean businessmen network or entertain in China. The second is the ‘office’ affair, which takes place in professional settings.”

By: Melanie Lee
After having been married for slightly over two years, Jane*, a 33-year-old architect, was traumatised to discover a series of intimate text messages on her husband’s phone while he was studying abroad. “They were from his female classmate from China and she said things like ‘can’t stop thinking about you’ and ‘can’t forget the kiss we had’. He claimed that there had only been one slip-up — he had been drunk in a club and she had gone over to kiss him. He agreed to stop this inappropriate communication,” she recounts.

“Sometimes, when a man meets someone abroad who can provide the thrills or make him feels sexually desirable, he may let his guard down. To him, it is refreshing to have more fun and less expectations imposed on him, and provides an excitement that is a more appealing than “boring” married life,” says Daniel Koh, a psychologist at Insights Mind Centre.

Jane recalls being “not very calm” upon this initial discovery. Thankfully his mother was visiting at that time, and helped to mediate between the both of them. Looking back, she has a piece of advice for women in similar situations: “If your husband is repentant and it was just really just a case of ‘temporary insanity’, do try to forgive him and to try to love him despite the mistake. Don’t yell, don’t shout or throw tantrums — just work out the problems. You’ve got to still believe that marriage is a lifelong commitment, for better or for worse. If a couple’s relationship is strong and the intimacy and bonding is there, it would be much harder for other women to create a rift. The fact that he is tempted does indicate that there’s a problem somewhere that needs to be worked out.”

For Jane, despite her husband’s initial remorse, over the next year and half, she continued to uncover instances of her husband still communicating with the China woman – from Skype chat histories to bumping into them having lunch together. Once, she even discovered that they were staying in the same hotel room together during one of her husband’s business trips. Each time, her husband would beg her for forgiveness and would even arrange for counselling sessions to “work things out”.

According to Cheh, marital counselling within the first three months of the discovery of an affair is critical. “I would recommend couples to not even bring up the word ‘divorce’ during this period of thrashing out.” Likewise, Koh stresses the importance of keeping communication channels open. “Usually it is the cold war with hurtful words that make couples drift apart even more,” he explains.

Upon reflecting on their failed counselling efforts, Jane says, “The thing is, I felt my husband was not forthcoming during these sessions. During the periods when we were trying to work things out, he would still criticize me, throw tantrums and avoid me. On retrospect, our marriage didn’t work out due to a combination of prolonged periods of being away from each other due to work and studies, and his deep-seated resentment about certain issues in the marriage that he did not communicate with me earlier on in our relationship. At a deeper level, the affair was his way of getting back at me.”

After all these ups and downs, Jane’s husband told her he wanted out in the marriage at the end of last year, saying that the other woman was his soulmate. They filed for divorce. These recent months have been a slow and steady recovery process for Jane. She says she is finally able to enjoy nice meals and the company of friends now, though there are still some things she can’t quite get around and admits, “I still have horrible impression of women from China, that they are willing to do whatever it takes to improve their lives regardless of the consequences on other people’s marriages. Although I believe that there are some decent ones, it seems that the majority are just too hungry and would do anything to achieve their ends, just like how my ex-husband’s ‘other woman’ would shift out of the apartment every time I visited him when their affair was still hidden. I try my hardest not to be biased when I hear Chinese-accented English but it reminds me too much of all that had happened.”

*Name has been changed for privacy.

This is the first in Nanz Inc.Com’s Protect Your Marriage Series. Stay tuned tomorrow for our next instalment.

Have a good/bad China woman story to share? Leave your comment here.

This is an instalment of our Protect Your Marriage series. If you have missed any of our previous articles, just click on the following links:
Protect Your Marriage: Date Your Spouse For Life
Protect Your Marriage: Have Sex, Have It A Lot
Protect Your Marriage: When Kids Get In The Way
Protect Your Marriage: Surviving The First Year Of Marriage
Protect Your Marriage: Surviving A “Mid-Life Crisis”
Protect Your Marriage: The China Woman Syndrome

Michael A K Sng

Blame seems to be a universal legacy of mankind .It takes two hands to clap. During courtship time, the couple would dressed to its best to kill especially the ladies would dressed in “low cut”, “high cut” and whenever they can cut to attract the men . Thus, both men women would showered with soft tender words “darling here”, “darling there” and “darling everywhere” e.g. while driving too fast, one would said “ Darling please do not drive so fast what happens to us if any there is mishaps between us and rebutted yes darling
After happily married, a few years later after boring children the couple would walk a distant apart from each other and no longer clasping each other hands warmly.
Whenever the husband drives fast, the wife would uttered cursing words like you want to die earlier and no more hearing the soft glamorous words that elevate the both hearts.
When coming home after a day’s tiresome work, the men would see their wives dressed shabbily with uncombed hair and the body look like the “ tofu” and to dismiss the lack and loss of appetite in Vitamin S [Sex] desire.
As most men like to be pampered and “purr” or” meow “ like a Cat when cuddled in a women arms wherever possible but now felt neglected by the former seducer wives who have taken things for granted.
As men weakness are their mischievous, roaming eyes easily magnetized by shapely sweet young things therefore they would drift to other avenues seeking for “honey” and they would transform themselves to be a “ cobra “ and seek for their likely victims to strike.
As for the women they have their weakness upon their ears, when whispered with inspiring words they softened in your arms and your wish is your command.
Adam was created from the dust, he suffered from loneliness and emptiness, and from his rib Eve was created as a WO MAN. Therefore, one must learn , un-learn and re-learn the application of attraction and surprises to out “LUST” our marriages till death we part.
peterhan

i agree to what was said, in our present singapore society, the romance in life has been tossed aside to the persuit of monetary persuit and "keeping up with the jones" as mentioned before, gone are the good times of pure romance, the simple holding hands and simple " i love you" gestures in life. replacing it is " honey i got a meeting" or "whats the maid preparing for dinner wife". as said this allows the creeping in of "LUST" in many marraiges, therefore resulting in stupid mistakes done and breakup of families.
peterhan

The reason ii would say that men in singapore do "go " for china woman is due to the reality that after years of marraige, singaporean do not put in the effort to spice up their relationship, this may be due to the persue of wealth and career in this competitive society and the pressure of society we live in today, unlike the malays where islam allows multiple wives. Singapore men feel stifled and the lack of "romance" and declining "Sex" life due to longer working hours, therefore would act as the stimulus to encourage "affairs". Woman from China due to their lower income back home and having the keen sense of survival, would therefore be easily attracted to sucessful and financial steady men. With their "Exotic looks" and ability to make men " feel like men". It is no surprise that local singaporean men go gaga after them. They may not want to be home wreckers, but the hormone drive in singapore is such that allows these men to be easy targets.
Low Alvin

I think Singaporean woman are to career minded that they had forgotten to be more romantic to their husband in the bedroom. The china woman had no alternative but to look for sucessful and financially stable man who can give shelter and care to satisfy their daily lives and in the meantime can had fun with the singaporean man
Judy

I beg to differ. certain Women from China from certain provinces and background and not the entire women from China are marriage wreckers. As a Singapore born business woman, I do not agree to this article. Unfortunately, it can be hurtful when your husband prefers another however, I would say the marriage was already on the rocks and cracks for a while way before he had another.