Protect Your Marriage: Surviving A “Mid-Life Crisis”

In the second instalment of our Protect Your Marriage series, we study the danger zone called “mid-life crisis” and find out how to ride it through, while keeping your marriage intact.

 
A faithful, dedicated husband in his 50s suddenly leaves his wife of 30 years, quits his $500,000-a-year job and moves to Batam with his mistress. The all-encompassing excuse: “He’s having a mid-life crisis.” Touted as a time when individuals (not just marrieds) get introspective and assess what they have done with their lives, and decide that marrying their spouse was not one of the highlights, the mid-life crisis seems like something to fear. But Nanz Inc.Com doesn’t buy into the stereotype. Here’s how not to fall prey to the “swopping my spouse for a newer model” syndrome evidenced by Demi Moore.

By: Sharlene Tan

A mid-life crisis has been described by researcher Jeremy Sherman in the Psychology Today blog as “puberty in reverse”, when existential questions such as “Is that all I am?” and “Is this all there is?” darkly flit across one’s mind.

According to Dr Derek Milne, a clinical psychologist and author of the book, Coping With A Mid-Life Crisis, these anxieties over accomplishments and achievements overwhelm and may cause an individual to become depressed, withdrawn or behave in an uncharacteristic manner. How can you prevent such an angst-ridden phase from breaking up your marriage?

Going through a mid-life crisis is a tough transition to go through and it can hit just about anyone. Writer Laura A Munson describes her husband’s mid-life crisis as a period when “our egos take a hit in midlife and we realize we’re not as young and golden anymore. When life’s knocked us around. And our childhood myths reveal themselves to be just that.” Rather than shut out one’s spouse and other loved ones, use this exploratory period of self-questioning to benefit a marriage in the following ways:

Growth
Linda Wan-Koh, a counsellor with 12 years of experience, told Nanz Inc.Com that a mid-life crisis is not necessarily a bad thing: “While the general thinking is that a mid-life crisis may bring with it negative connotations, it can actually be a prime opportunity for an individual to take stock and make the changes necessary, to live a more fulfilling life ahead. Likewise, a spouse’s mid-life crisis can be used to improve a marriage, rather than destroy the marriage.”

Going Slow
Don’t expect your problems to be solved overnight – your relationship needs time to heal with such a shake-up. Dr Milne recommends taking it one step at a time: “Even if there are times when all you feel you can do is to survive to the next day, the goal is to thrive. And I believe that we do this best when we view our current crisis as a time of gradual growth and personal change.”

Improving Communication
Communication is key in any relationship, and it’s even more important for couples going through a mid-life crisis. Wan-Koh advises that couples learn to listen to each other and give mutual respect, support and encouragement during these trying times. She recommends that couples work towards changing any negative dynamics in the relationship such as criticising, nagging and blaming.

Getting to Know Each Other Better
Couples finding their way through a mid-life crisis should prioritise and fix a regular schedule to communicate and to be together. Wan-Koh said: “So easily, marriages fall into the trap of tending to the business of work and home responsibilities and couples forget to have bond-strengthening fun together. Make sure you and your husband make time to hang out, and when you’re out with each other, push away those negative thoughts and just focus on enjoying each other’s company.”

Sidebar: 10 Symptoms of a Mid-Life Crisis

1. Looking into the mirror and no longer recognizing yourself.
2. Desiring to quit a good job.
3. Unexplained bouts of depression when doing tasks that used to make you happy.
4. Wanting to run away from everything.
5. Desiring for drastic physical changes/movements e.g. running, biking, dancing, speeding in fast red sports cars, sky diving etc.
6. Thinking about death and wondering about the nature of death.
7. Feeling trapped in current family relationships.
8. Getting fixated on new “wonder” solutions to problems eg, low-carb diets. 

9. Restarting things you dropped 20 years ago.

10. Doing things that get you into trouble and surprises everyone as being out of character.

This is an instalment of our Protect Your Marriage series. If you have missed any of our previous articles, just click on the following links:
Protect Your Marriage: Date Your Spouse For Life
Protect Your Marriage: Have Sex, Have It A Lot
Protect Your Marriage: When Kids Get In The Way
Protect Your Marriage: Surviving The First Year Of Marriage
Protect Your Marriage: Surviving A “Mid-Life Crisis”
Protect Your Marriage: The China Woman Syndrome