Toxic Friends: Dump Them!

Some friends just aren’t worth keeping. They make you feel bad about yourself and consistently leave you with negative vibes, even as they call you a good friend. Nanz Inc shows you how to set some boundaries with such friends and live life happier.
By: Ng Linli

Who are your Toxic Friends? It’s time to identify the pseudo-vampires who leave you feeling drained and discouraged. Here are some characteristics that toxic friends may display:

The Gossiper can’t keep secrets and talks (mostly negatively) about everyone she knows. It’s hard to trust her, and it’s hard to trust what she says.

The Narcissist meets up with you, only to launch into a monologue about their latest achievements and thoughts. They are not concerned with how you are doing.

The Envious Friend lacks genuine enthusiasm when things are going well for you. They seem to be overly interested in what you earn and spend, and who your other friends are.

The Fair-weather Friend calls you when she hits bad times or when she needs something (or hear that you are organising a cool event). But she is nowhere to be found when she has a new boyfriend or when things are going smoothly. Some of them like to say “let’s meet up” but never initiate anything. They show up if they feel like it (no explanations if they don’t), and you can’t quite count on them to be there for you.

The Harsh Critic belittles your opinions, lifestyle and choices. They shake their head at you and make you feel guilty for who you are. Everything is your fault and when you do well, they say nothing.

Who are your True Friends? Looking at what truly good friendships are about will help us further understand toxic ones. On the other end of the friend-spectrum, pals who are gems are those whom you can relate to sincerely, want the best for you, and respect your opinions as much as their own. They are deeply committed to the friendship and help you to become more authentic and real (rather than have to put up a front). They do not put you down in public or private, but will confront you lovingly if needed. Most of all, they are friends who love you and encourage you, rather than step on you to make themselves feel superior.

How To Weed Out The Toxic
Some toxic friends are truly ignorant of how insensitive they are. If that is the case, communicate with them lovingly —for the sake of preserving the friendship — how you are affected by their actions and how it hurts you. If the person apologises and tries to change, then your friendship has matured and become deeper. But if he or she becomes defensive and angry, at least you know you have done your part to salvage the friendship.

As women, we might find it easier to stay friends than to cut ties for fear of confrontation or hurting someone’s feelings. While this seems like a kind and nurturing thing to do, it doesn’t make sense if you are making yourself miserable and missing out on great friendships in order to support these negative ones. If severing ties seems too extreme and unnecessarily harsh, limit the time you spend with these friends and invest time in finding and keeping real friendships.

Seek and keep friendships that are healthy and mutual, rather than toxic and stifling, and you will find life much richer and happier.

Toxic Tales
“He called me his best friend, but I doubt he had my best interests at heart. He called me every time he needed help, and I felt made use of. The last straw was when my ex-boyfriend cheated on me, and this friend hung out with him and the girl, but never told me about it. I just stopped going to parties with him and simply said no whenever he asked me to do him a favour.”
Candy*, 29

“My friend made me feel bad about myself all the time, criticizing me and preventing me from growing as a person. Ironically, she was very dependent on me as she was lonely and called me all the time. We are no longer friends.”
Su-Ying*, 30

“I always feel exhausted after talking to her, even though I don’t need to say much. She does all the talking and when I try to say something she dismisses it and repeats her opinion. It’s easier just to nod and agree.”
Michelle*, 29

“I have a friend who used to be toxic. She would simply bad-mouth everybody and anybody. It was tiring to be around her, and after I spent just an hour with her I would feel like I needed to watch a comedy just to cheer myself up. One day, I finally had it, and told her off, and said that she was costing me my joy. To my surprise, she agreed, and asked me to help her. It’s been about six months now, but she has really made a great improvement. We have a code. If we are together, and she starts to talk bad about someone, I would snap a rubberband around her wrist. She stops right away.”
Chris, teacher, 35
* Real names have been disguised for privacy