Little White Lies: Big Deal Or Not?

Sometimes, we women prefer to tell white lies rather than to face conflict or deal with the feelings of others. But is even the smallest white lie wrong?

By: Ng Linli

You are reversing into a parking lot and accidentally dent the bumper – for the second time this month. Would you call your partner, confess your repeated misdeed and risk an argument? Or would you just bring the damaged vehicle to the workshop and say nothing to your husband at all?

“Sometimes telling the truth can be hurtful, or cause trouble, in which case not telling the truth doesn’t have to lead to lying. It can just be silence,” says Patsian Low, a consultant and researcher. “It is not a matter of when is it ok to lie, but rather when is it not ok to tell the truth.”

At some point in our lives, we all have twisted the truth – whether it was pretending to like a present someone has given you, or saying “yes” when you actually wanted to say “no”. Sometimes, not being able to tell the truth may produce regrettable consequences, such when you end up having to fulfill conflicting demands, or having to wear that tacky dress you claimed was lovely.

On the other hand, white lies may enable us to make someone happy with our words and avoid hurting them. Besides trying to steer away from conflict, we may deflect truth to make people feel better about themselves, whether out of obligation or kindness. Putting others and ourselves in a good light often seems like the least complicated and least offensive option. However, frequent lying could also be a sign of a lack of self-esteem and indicates that one could be insecure about making real feelings and thoughts known.
Research shows that maintaining deception is stressful and tiring, causing people to behave differently as a result. It is hard to feel at ease or behave naturally when you are trying to conceal something, and this usually impacts the level of trust and authenticity in relationships in a negative way.

At the end of the day, you need to decide if telling that white lie is actually worth it, and consider what you are trying to achieve or avoid by it.

Truthful thoughts on telling white lies:

“It depends on what you define as a white lie. I would say I like someone’s haircut or shirt just to be nice. Sometimes I would plead ignorance even when I know better, because I’d rather look dumb than unkind.” - Rachel Ung, doctor

“Sometimes we say something false to avoid hurting someone, and the person we told goes to tell others what you said. It could end up hurting that someone more as the small lie gains a snowball effect. Lying is not good, but we all do it at some point. The only way to lessen it is to talk less.” - Lisa Choo, analyst

“I believe lying is part of our flawed human nature.” - Patsian Low, researcher and consultant

“I think that all lies, including white lies, should be avoided. I would prefer to keep silent or avoid commenting if I find it difficult to tell the truth.” - Elaine Teong, stay-at-home mum